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Dec 24, 2009, 11:23pm

Camp New Hope :: New Hope Campus :: The Lake :: floating flocks of candled swans (william)

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ethan flowers
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floating flocks of candled swans (william)
« Thread Started on Feb 6, 2009, 1:42am »

'I can't believe I went along with this,' Ethan had thought as he stared off to the horizon of the lake. Of course he had gone along with this. When it seemed that his marriage, the thing that mattered most to him, was growing strained because of both of their problems, a mutual agreement to seek out help to work out their issues was made. William had to lay off of the pain medication. Seriously, what was his addiction to them? Then again, Will never had really experienced the euphoria of morphine and vicodin until he had endured the injuries from that horrific beating.

The sad thing was that Ethan had hardly noticed that William was growing so dependent on the medication. Never having really been fond of pain medication, he really didn't think to pay attention to his husband's behavior. They had money and prescription pills were easily sold on the streets. Then again, Ethan had been growing dependent on alcohol at that point. He was probably too smashed to even notice... Yet at the same time, it felt as if this wedge was growing between the two of them. It was crazy, given that the two of them had been inseparable since they had met back in high school.

After Ethan's suicide attempt, it was obvious that there was definite suffering. At the same time, there was immediate remorse, especially when he had seen the look in William's eyes. Even when slightly glossy and vacant from whatever pill he had happened to find, there was still hurt and betrayal there. Ethan was supposed to have been beyond the depression years ago. He was happy and successful in his dream of being a musician. William had finally realized that his looks were one to behold, and he had made a living that way... Male modeling, who knew? There was no doubt in that in Ethan's eyes... William was breathtakingly attractive.

But there had been future betrayal. Ethan had never been a fan of pain medication. Actually, this pain he felt in recovery from the injuries sustained in the attempt was refreshing. There was just something about that pain that made Ethan want to stay away from alcohol, just so he could feel it... No pills... Pills were evil... Yet they kept disappearing nonetheless. It didn't take Ethan long to put this together. William had fed his addiction with his spouse's prescribed medication. Wow, the both of them had really started to sink to new levels.

Ethan stared at the horizon of the lake and half-smiled as he sat down and leaned back against a tree. He pressed his knees to his chest and lowered his head. 'Don't cry... not again... God damn, you're more emotional than Belle - and she's pregnant for the love of god.' Ethan laughed at the same time that a tear slipped from the corner of his eye. Women were crazy... But damn - lately he was as emotional as one... It bothered him that he had to go back on the antidepressants like old times. He really thought the down days were behind him... What a load of bull that had been. But at the same time - being away from the stress of the outside world really made Ethan realize how much he wanted to get better. He didn't want to lose William out of his own stupidity. At the same time, he could only hope that his husband could see the light and try to get better too. Here, he realized how much he missed the old William... Just - he had been too drunk to realize that this old William had been missing...

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William Flowers
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Re: floating flocks of candled swans (william)
« Reply #1 on Feb 6, 2009, 1:35pm »

The closer it came to the time when William was supposed to get up and meet Ethan by the lake, the more fidgety he became. It wasn't all withdrawal from the painkillers, though that was a factor. He just couldn't stay still very well, he wanted to go see him and fall at his feet and beg for forgiveness. Various doctors had told him that would do nothing except guilt Ethan and he didn't want to do that, but he couldn't believe he had let himself fall so low as to become addicted to unnatural chemicals. How did he know they hadn't been tested on animals? How did he know they didn't contain trace amounts of animal products? How had he somehow 'magically' known a few more Vicodin wouldn't kill him? He still had ten minutes until he was allowed to leave though so he lay on his back on his bed and threw his arm over his eyes, crying silently. This was all his fault, it had to be. He could have been strong and stayed off the painkillers like Ethan had. The mad doctor had to know some herbal remedies for those injuries. But somehow . . . things hadn't worked out the way he wanted them to.

His therapist had told him that he wasn't used to the effects of the medication because he had never taken it in his life, and that if he hadn't been beaten so violently this never would have happened. The guy seemed to be suggesting that he should have somehow defended himself against the gay-bashers, like pacifism was a bad idea. He had tried to talk them out of it but there was no getting through to them when they were so intent on hurting him. He only wished he could somehow have gotten away, taken another way home or something so Ethan wouldn't have had to suffer through seeing him in the hospital.

He was also a little afraid that he would never be able to go back to his job after what had happened. He wasn't really the first choice for bare skin body shots, but he was popular when it came to face shots and now with the cuts and scrapes he had gotten from the pavement scarring, would they even want him anymore? These thoughts depressed him a lot both because he knew if they didn't accept him back he wouldn't be able to help Ethan out anymore and because all his hard work building up confidence to even take the job would be for nothing. He was already starting to lose his self-esteem again and the pills only helped at the height of their effectiveness. Though stoned confidence probably wasn't that real.

He had also made a mistake when he had found out Ethan had attempted suicide again. He hadn't followed suit because that wasn't his style. But he had probably made the boy feel really bad about what he had done. It was a good thing because that meant Ethan would think twice next time but it was bad because he hated making his husband feel that way. It was just impossible for him to hide the hurt that had caused in him, even when he had compensated for the grief with a little too much medication. Around this time was when he realized how dependent he really was, that he couldn't even find his calm center anymore without help from outside sources. It was very disheartening for him because he had so easily been able to slip into a meditative state before. Even now, off the drugs and going through rehab, it was incredibly difficult for him to find the quiet part inside himself that he used to retreat into.

He realized as he came out of his thoughts that he had stopped crying and the tears were drying on his cheeks and on his arm. Sitting up woozily, he sat on the edge of his bed for awhile and looked back at it. Not so long ago he and Ethan were sharing a bed, or at least a mat, but now they were in different rooms because of something about them being bad influences on each other. He guessed now things were a little safer so that they wouldn't hurt each other emotionally, which cheered him a bit. Forgoing shoes, he walked out of the cabin and over to the little copse of trees near the lake, so much like a beach they used to frequent back when they were dating and before Ethan had made it big. The memories of that time almost made him cry again but then he spotted Ethan and the tears dried up. He looked a lot better than he had, but he could tell from the way he was sitting that he was still not where he had been before regarding emotional stability. Biting his lip as he approached, he sat silently next to his husband, so that he was on his right but still facing him, crosslegged as he usually was. He reached Ethan's face and brushed away a soft lock of hair that had drifted down the man's forehead before speaking. "Hello love," he said gently, looking at him with earnest eyes, wanting him to know this time he wasn't medicated or abusing anything. He couldn't do that to him again.

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ethan flowers
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Re: floating flocks of candled swans (william)
« Reply #2 on Feb 9, 2009, 2:48am »

The hardest thing about seeking out help was the separation and that self-unforgiving feeling of feeling helpless - meaning he was unable to solve his lover's problems on his own. One of Ethan's crazier antics was that he always wanted to be that 'happy spouse' who solved all the problems with a snap of his fingers. Reality was such a cruel cruel thing. That notion of feeling helpless felt as if his innards had been pulled out and strewn everywhere only to get one last fatal swift kick to the stomach. Graphic, yeah, but at the same time, it took a graphic scenario to really explain how he felt right now. What good was he of a spouse if all he did was dig his lover deeper and deeper into misery? That was the last thing he wanted to do. It was difficult for Ethan to see his lover like this. He was really kicking himself for letting his own habits get the worst of him. For the love of God - Alcohol?? He swore he'd never touch the stuff in fear of becoming what he detested most, his father. Now, it seemed that he had become his worst nightmare. It was fortunate to William that Ethan hadn't gotten the violent gene of his father's - else Ethan would have never been able to bear living itself. Hurting William physically... The mere thought of being capable of that sickened Ethan to no end. Ethan would never forgive himself if it came to that. Just before he left, he went to reach for his pack of cigarettes in the cupboard. Cigarettes weren't outlawed in CNH, but they were an addiction of great evil to Ethan. He sighed and instead reached for a pack of gum. He popped a peace into his mouth and half-grinned. Well, at least there was that distraction. Strawberry-Mint, not a bad combo at that. He had become quite a gum addict these days.

Ethan flashed back to the instance that William had gotten beaten. Ethan had been there because he had just been leaving a doctor's appointment and he had been hanging out with a friend of his who worked at the hospital. Out of nowhere, paramedics had barged in with William on a gurney. Ethan squeezed his eyes shut painfully at the memory. When he opened his eyes, an odd wet sensation had been felt on his hand. Ethan looked down at the mini puddle formed on his hand with a sad smile. There had been a point where Ethan hadn't cried in five years. Now, he was as emotional as the next pregnant woman. 'Wow Ethan, way to be such a vagina,' he mentally chastised himself.

Ethan had reluctantly resumed to his work, composing songs and lyrics for his band. He always was such the accomplished lyricist in his band. It seemed odd though. For a period of time, all he could write about was emotion through nature. It first started with a circus-victorianesque theme. Now, it was all linked to emotion, maturation, and nature? Well, just imagine if his songs started turning to death and dreary emo? Ethan really needed to get himself together before this mess cost him his job. There were already tabloids out to get William and Ethan. He was racked with guilt that he had to pull the love of his life into his own mess. William was an innocent bystander who had gotten bludgeoned upside the head by a blunt object known as the paparazzi.

This suicide attempt had shown that Ethan really wasn't in his typical state of mind. The sane Ethan would have never thought of doing this to those loved ones. The last time that Ethan had thought of suicide was before William. That era seemed long ago. Ethan instinctively reached into his pocket for a cigarette before he had realized that he had purposely left the pack on his dresser. Part of him was too weary on this constant battle, the other part really wanted to go back to the old days. He wanted to go back to the days of innocence, before fame and fortune had consumed both he and William.

His therapist had done well to show how selfish suicide had been, and had also claimed that the cigarettes were just as selfish. Ethan knew of his health and how the second-hand smoke household hand probably led his asthma to the point where it had been today. The only thing he'd be doing with that addiction would be to further aggravate it. Did Ethan really want to be on a lung transplant list at the age of 30? At the same time, did he really want to follow in his father's footsteps with drinking. His father's drinking and abuse had been what had really broken up the family household. While Ethan wasn't physically abusive to others, it was similar, the damage he had done to himself. For that, Ethan had a ways to go. He felt lost as he found himself longing for his lover's safe embrace.

Ethan had come to a rude awakening when they had been distributed to different places. It was as if they were bad influences on each other? What kind of marriage was this that badly influenced the other. Ethan's initial thought was that perhaps he should save William from further pain by putting an end to this. He deserved so much better. At the same time, Ethan was such a selfish motherfucker. He couldn't see life without anybody but William. Without Will, he was reduced to that vulnerable suicidal teenage boy. Ethan reassured himself that William was in good hands. At the same time, he yearned to be able to be by his side once more. Ethan swallowed a rising lump on his throat, though nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt a stroking against his face. He exhaled sharply from that shock, though a hand gently held the hand that had caressed him. "Will," he murmured, closing his eyes for a moment, smiling softly. He opened them, looking so pitiful and guilty, but at the same time, pleased to see his lover. "Hey love... I've missed you." He squeezed his husband's hand reassuringly and looked at the view ahead. "The water...gives me a lot of memories... good times... good times."

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